Us guys might think we have a pretty comprehensive list of what we are looking for in a woman, but there are many important factors that a lot of us somehow overlook when choosing a mate. At best, this can slow down the process considerably, but at worst it can mean wasting a lot of time trying to establish relationships with the wrong women, instead of finding a quality woman that is a good match.
Here are the top 12 things guys tend to overlook when trying to find the right woman:
1 – Her Attitude About Her Attractiveness
We might as well just get a couple of obvious ones out the way first, which means we should first take a look at attractiveness and the attitude she has about it.
So you have found a girl that is a real hottie. The question is: How does she handle that? What she thinks of her attractiveness and how she acts about it is very likely more important to the situation than what you think of it and how you act about it.
The first thing to measure is just how tied to her physical appearance she really is. Is she one of those women who think that because she is attractive she doesn’t need to bring anything else to the table? If so, you will likely find that she is obsessed with her looks and interested in little else.
This kind of woman might look great on your arm, but you will end up seriously disappointed in nearly every possible way aside from being physically attracted to her.
You also have to remember that old adage about how for every beautiful woman in the world there is a man who is tired of putting up with her. This means that, even if you are shallow enough to think that looks might be enough, you will most likely find that even your physical attraction to her will wane over time when she has nothing else to offer.
The best women are the ones who don’t realize how beautiful they are. You want to find one of these women, and then be the one responsible for helping her recognize her true beauty. That is the best way to go for your long-term happiness.
2 – Integrity and Character
Have you ever heard the saying, “Pretty is as pretty does?” Well, it’s true. A woman can be a knockout in the looks department, but if she doesn’t have integrity and good character, then she is ultimately going to end up not being so pretty and appealing.
A lack of integrity can even be tied to her attitude about her attractiveness that I mentioned as the first thing guys overlook. When it is, you could be in serious trouble. It’s one thing for a girl to know she’s hot and focus on it way too much, but it’s quite another if she also lacks integrity and turns towards the dark side of using her looks in manipulative and self-serving ways.
For example, a beautiful woman who is accustomed to having men kowtow to her could very easily become one of those women who will throw a huge fit if she thinks she sees you barely glance at another woman, but, in the same breath, will insist that her huge group of guy friends who flirt and get frisky with her when you are standing right there is nothing and that you have no right to get upset over it.
This is a prime example of a woman who went from being shallow to some full-on double standard behavior somewhere along the line. A lack of integrity can cause this – and plenty of other things that you don’t want to deal with.
3 – Emotional and Physical Strength
When I say you want a woman with physical strength, I don’t mean that you need to hang out at gyms looking for women who can bench 300 pounds. But I do mean that you should seek out a woman who has the physical strength and energy to at least share household duties or head out for the occasional outdoor adventure. Being strong and physically fit isn’t all about looks either; it also has to do with overall well-being and health, and you do want a healthy partner.
When it comes to emotional strength, I know that I have said a lot about you – as the man – being a leader who can show that you can provide protection and handle any situation. However, this doesn’t mean that you should feel like a babysitter every time you are around the woman you are dating. You also have to think long term here: Life is full of challenges, so you need a life partner who can stand beside you and handle things with you, rather than just making everything worse by falling apart every time something comes up.
4 – Complaining, Contention and Combativeness
All of us guys should be seeking out strong women, but strength should not be confused with contention and combativeness. You want the kind of strength that allows her to be upfront with you about issues that come up, to always mean what she says and say what she means, and to stand her ground when necessary – for example, if the two of you were to have children.
Unfortunately, too many guys get all confused when it comes to strength in women, which is partially a result of what we see on television and in movies. Even ads that play during the big game show women criticizing men and their ideas at every opportunity. This is, of course, portrayed as normal or even cute, but it’s no way to be in a relationship.
Contention – or downright combativeness – will get you nowhere but miserable. Partners need to support each other in their hopes and dreams, as well as the day-to-day stuff that comes with life. If you choose a woman who is constantly complaining or takes every chance to shoot down your ideas and criticize you, you are going to be miserable. No one is happy in a relationship like that – the man will always feel like he can do nothing right and the woman will be continuously frustrated by everything the guy does.
5 – Lifestyle Cohesion
While you will never hear me say that you need to start dressing in matching outfits and should have the exact same interests, there is something to be said for having cohesive lifestyles. Things like constant schedule conflicts, vastly different religious beliefs and hugely different lifestyles can be tough to overcome when establishing or maintaining a relationship.
When one partner works nights and the other works days, resulting in barely seeing each other, this can have a detrimental effect on the relationship, particularly over time. It can also be devastating to your relationship if you are a devout Mormon and she pays her rent by hitting the stage at the local gentleman’s club. While you both might think you can work through something like that, lifestyles that are that different can cause problems faster than you might think – no matter how devoted you are to ignoring your differences and making it work.
I have been witness to relationships where guys have tried way too hard to make it work with a hot girl who simply wasn’t a good match for them.
It just isn’t going to work. The things you love and value need to be complemented by the things she loves and values. It’s as simple as that. And if your lifestyles are vastly different, it is going to be hard to get – and keep – things going.
Avid travelers don’t do well with partners who won’t set foot on a plane or boat; fourth-generation farmers don’t do well with partners who refuse to get dirty; and teetotalers usually don’t mesh well with hardcore partiers.
Some differences are great for growth and keeping things interesting, but if your lifestyles are truly night and day, some serious consideration is in order.
6 – Common Sense and Judgment
We all went through that phase in high school (or college) when we were crushing hard on air-headed cheerleader types who were just too cute with how gullible they were, as well as their constant confusion and lack of common sense. They were usually pretty hot and always pretty fun, but most of us grew out of that phase about the time we realized that sometimes having an actual, intelligent conversation with a woman is a plus.
While it might have been cute the first three or four times one of those girls did something less than brilliant, it eventually starts getting old, and no guy wants to spend his life constantly making sure his partner isn’t blow drying her hair in the bathtub or washing her red sweaters with his white undershirts.
Common sense is required to get through each day making good judgment calls and handling all of the little situations that come up in normal life; however, that doesn’t mean that everyone has it.
Pay attention to whether or not she seems to be able to make good decisions and handle life’s little issues. If she can’t, it might seem cute in the beginning, but it will end up driving you crazy down the line.
7 – Social Skills
Humans are social animals as a whole. This means that we enjoy being around other people, which is also how we continue to learn and grow throughout our lives. The problem is that you will start to notice your social circle getting smaller and smaller the longer you are in a relationship with a woman.
Even if you fight it, it always seems to end up that you will end up drifting away from your friends who are single. This always happens once you are part of a couple, and it creates the situation where you and your partner now need to work on establishing friendships with other couples.
It’s one thing to partake in some male bonding and find some attached guys interested in making friends with other couples, but if the female partners don’t get along, that couple friendship you were hoping for is not going to happen. In fact, if your girl isn’t that great at making friends, you are going to have a really difficult time finding couples who want to hang out with you.
Conversely, if your girl is a bit of a social butterfly, you can be sure that you will establish lasting friendships with other couples that will end up being really great.
Women simply are the better brokers when it comes to establishing friendships with other couples. So you might as well accept that and look for a woman who is good at making friends.
8 – Knowing Her Way Around a Kitchen
No, I’m not still stuck in the 1950s. First of all, I wasn’t even alive in the 50s. Secondly, I recommend that you set aside your notions of political correctness and just give this a listen.
Having a woman who can cook shouldn’t be your number one goal when finding the right girl for you, but it’s certainly a trait that helps in the long run. This is particularly true if you are not much of a cook and might not know that there really is something called a Dutch oven that has nothing to do with grossing out your partner in bed.
If you’ve been hitting up fast food joints every night on your way home from work for as long as you can remember, you are really going to love being with a woman who knows how to cook – even more so if she actually likes doing it.
If she’s the type who also likes hosting dinner parties for all of those couples she has acquired as your new friends, you might just start thinking that life can’t get any better.
9 – Cleanliness and Neatness
Again, I’m not harkening back to the Dark Ages with this one either. I am not saying that a woman should be solely responsible for picking up after you, cleaning the house, cooking every meal and making sure you have clean clothes to wear to work.
But you also probably don’t want it to be the other way around either; unless, you are a complete neat freak and want to be in charge of all of that stuff so that you can be sure it is done perfectly. Of course, if that’s the case, then that brings up other issues. For example, if you are a neat freak and she is a total slob, that is going to cause both of you quite a bit of misery. The same holds true if it’s the other way around and you are a slob, and she is the neat freak.
In a perfect world, both of you will be fairly neat and clean without falling to far towards either extreme.
10 – The Little Things
The woman you are with might be gorgeous, smart and good to you, but if she has one or more annoying bad habits that drive you crazy, this could be a problem.
Most of us will overlook odd little quirks or annoying habits in the beginning of the relationship because the woman is hot or because we think we are being shallow or too picky if can’t get past it. We are even more likely to overlook these little things if we think that she meets all of our major needs. But that is not necessarily a good thing, since those little things can really wear on you – and the relationship – over time.
This is one that you will have to determine on a case-by-case basis. You will have to determine whether or not she can easily change those habits if you say something to her, or if it is just part of who she is. And, if it is part of who she is, you are going to have to decide whether or not you can live with it long term.
11 – Consistent Behavior and Reliability
This one is pretty simple and a bit complicated at the same time. First off, the simple part is just about things like showing up on time and being someone reliable whom you can count on.
The more complicated part is about observing her behavior and how she interacts with people to see just how consistent she is. For example, can you always be sure that you are going to see the same woman every time you go out, or does she seem to have some kind of Sybil thing going on? If you never know which version of your girl is going to show up on your date, that just might be a deal breaker right there.
Another important thing to note is any differences between how she treats you and how she treats everyone else. This is how you are going to figure out just how much of what you think is her personality is actually an act that is meant to draw you in.
Check out how she treats bartenders, restaurant servers, colleagues and children. If she has kids, make sure you really pay attention to her interactions with them. Does she interact with other people in a way that is respectful and appropriate? Or does she boss around or walk all over anyone she perceives as beneath her?
This is going to tell you how she is going to act towards you once the newness wears off and she is no longer trying to impress you.
12 – Health and Wellness
Mental and physical health is important. They just are. But this actually goes beyond the surface of someone having relatively good physical health and not being sick or tired constantly.
Obviously mental health is a big one. It is a huge one, really. There are some guys out there who really enjoy a girl who has a little crazy about her, but if you are looking for a long-term mate, someone who is rational, reasonable and levelheaded is going to be a far better bet.
Additionally, you might want to at least give a moment’s thought to how her health and wellness could affect yours. For example, if you are used to being really active, and she prefers to stay indoors and watch movies all day, your physical fitness is likely going to suffer at least somewhat. Or if she has the metabolism of a hummingbird and can eat anything she wants without gaining an ounce, and you don’t enjoy that same attribute, you could be looking at some weight gain once you are living under the same roof and sharing nearly every meal.
I know it can be hard to look past the hotness and really make a good assessment of whether or not the girl you are just starting to date is the right one for you. But you have to believe me when I tell you that it’s worth it. Weeding out those who are not high quality women and potential mates will save you time and get you that much closer to finding the partner you want and deserve.
Read this list as many times as you need to in order to commit it to memory. While some of these things might not be among your top priorities when searching for a potential partner, you are going to thank me for pointing them out later on down the line when you realize just how important some of the less obvious things can be.
